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What (not) to Say

There are some things you should never say to a rape survivor, as they'll result in making him/her feel even worse than he/she already does. Many people just don't know what to say. You want to help but don't know how, so I'll tell you what not to say. Remember, he/she feels ashamed, violated, out of control, helpless, hopeless, dirty, and this is just a start. Thanks for educating yourself.

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1.      Don't ask if we liked it. Nobody likes being overpowered by another person and made to feel useless and violated. Think about whether you would enjoy being scared for your life before asking this question.

 

2.      Don't ask us if we're "over it yet." No matter how long it has been, there will always be the memory in the back of our minds, it's just that everyday makes that memory easier to deal with. We are trying to reorganize our whole outlook on the world; this won't happen overnight.

 

3.      Don't ask us what you are supposed to do to get past this. We aren't sure ourselves.

 

4.      Don't ask us if we did this on purpose. All we did was survive.

 

5.      Don't ask us if we're lying. Being disbelieved is a survivor's worst fear, and only 2% of rape reports are actually false, that means there'a a 98% chance we are telling the truth, however improbable it may seem.

 

6.      Don't ask us if there was anything else we could have done. Believe me, if we could've done something to stop it from happening, we would have. We went by our instincts and we survived, don't belittle us for surviving a living nightmare.

 

7.      Never tell us it's "just sex." Rape is a crime of power, control, and violence where sex is used as a weapon against someone weaker. It is not sex.

 

8.      Never tell us how we could have avoided it. If we could have avoided it we would have.

 

9.      Don't tell us it would never happen to you and why. We didn't think we would become statistics either.

 

10.  Don't say "other people have it worse off than you". I'm not "other people". I'm me.

 

11.  Don't tell us to to put what happened out of our minds. It's not that simple. It is a part of us. It has changed us. It doesn't go away if you ignore it. The only way out is to go through these emotions and process them.

 

12.  Don't tell us we are weak because it impacts our life. We are stronger than words can describe!

 

13.  Don't tell us that it's not rape because we knew the attacker. Numerous studies tell us that our perpetrators are more likely to be known to us than unknown.

 

14.  Sexual assault has influenced all parts of our lives. Not dealing with it is like ignoring an open wound. Our communication style, our self-confidence, and our trust levels are affected.

 

 

15.  We often appear to be extremely strong while we are falling apart inside.

 

 

16.  Your support is extremely important to us. Remember; we have been trained to hold things in. We have been trained NOT to tell about the assault. We did not tell sooner for a variety of reasons: we were fearful about how you would react, what might happen, etc.

 

17.  There's no need to avoid us. We're still the same person you've come to care about. We've just been unspeakably hurt. We're not contagious.

 

18.  If we disagree about safety issues in the future please realize that what may sounds strange to you may help us feel safe.

 

19.  If you give us a hug and we pull away please know that chances are we're not rejecting you. We may have a hard time being able to respond right now. If we do pull away from you please don't get mad. Tell us you care. Chances are you'll get that hug after all!

 

20.  If the survivor has a flashback try not to be mad at the survivor. We hate them too. Flashbacks are always rough. It's got to be difficult to watch. Any anger should go the one who caused the rape and not the survivor who has to put her life together.

 

21.  Don't get the idea rape just happens to "those" kinds of people. This crime happens to as many as 1 woman in 4 crossing ethnic, racial, economic and social boundaries.

 

22.  Don't deny your feelings after finding out a friend was raped. Call a rape crisis center's hotline and find out what support is available for you.

Again, THANK YOU for educating yourself. The more people are aware of this epidemic, the easier it is for those of us that have to deal with it.  And the fact that you are here, looking for information on the subject, tells me that the person in your life you're doing this for is lucky to have you :)